"Look out Tokyo!
It's Godzilla! No wait, what the heck is that thing? Never mind Tokyo."
"A stunning close up to showcase the superb craftsmanship of Goozilla!"
With this winner, found at a pharmacy in West Virginia, we proudly kick
off a new series of Cheesy Knockoffs. Enjoy, and be careful you don't
get any "Goo" on you.
Today's Cheesy Knockoff is a spectacularly stupid-looking abomination
called "Goozilla". That's right, "Goozilla", with no "d". Evidently
released to take advantage of the buzz over the less-than-blockbuster
Godzilla movie from a couple of years back, this plastic afterbirth
spewed onto retail shelves just last year. This is proof that sometimes,
a knockoff will appear based on a toy line that didn't even do that
well at retail. Maybe that's why it took so long to show up.
It is astoundingly horrid. First of all, it appears to be made of the
sort of plastic that is normally used for "Soakies" shampoo and bubble
bath dispensers. On further examination, it would appear to be made
of a cheaper grade of that plastic. The construction is abysmal. I had
to root through a whole pile before I found one that was intact. Even
then, the head won't go any further down than a half-inch away from
As for the figure itself, it seems that the sculptors were trying to
rip off the new Godzilla design without the benefit of actually ever
having seen it. What you get is a head that sort of looks like a cross
between the two Godzillas, stuck precariously on a body that looks more
like one of Giger's Aliens than the famed nuclear monster. The head
is molded in a dark green plastic, while the rest of the body is made
of a weird silver-gray material.
This thing has six points of articulation, at the neck, shoulders, hips,
and tail. The head will NOT STAY ON the neck post. Amazingly enough,
there is painted detail on the teeth, eyes and chest. It's probably
a safe bet that this paint is not child-safe.
The real kicker with this beast is the header card. It features two
crude drawings of the original Godzilla (one head shot, and one very
dark action shot). It's made in China by the "Warning Choking Hazard"
toy company. It's for children aged four and up, and in at least 32
states, making a gift of this toy is considered child abuse, so be careful
I paid $2.99 for this exquisite example of plastic craptitiude, but
there's no reason that you should do such a thing. Unless you're a die
hard Godzilla completist, or just masochistic, there's no need for you
to bother with Goozilla. You might think they don't come much worse
than this, but just keep checking back.