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A RANK VENTURE, INDEED
This edition of Cheesy Knockoff starts out as sort of a mystery. Our
knockoff du jour is something called "Venture Ranker", a four-inch
tall multicolored action figure that doesn't really look like much of
anything. But it was only 99 cents at the small, West Virginia pharmacy
where I found it on a Cheesy Knockoff expedition, and there was something
naggingly familiar about it.
At first glance, the Venture Ranker appears to be a slightly more hideously-colored
than usual Power Rangers knockoff. It's not really a size that's compatible
with any decent toy lines. But that NAME....VENTURE RANKER...what the
heck does it mean?
Is he some sort of intergalactic bank official? Maybe a stockmarket
analyst who's been given the power cosmic? Just exactly what sort of
"ventures" is he ranking? And how is he ranking them...does
he use a star system, or does he give them letter grades? Why would
anyone give an action figure such a confoundingly moronic name? I had
plenty of questions, but it would take a lot of deep thought and allergy
medicine to invent the answers.
At first, I thought that maybe this was some sort of mis-translation
of "Adventure Ranger" but then it hit me. The garish colors....the
oddball accessories...the initials. That was it! The initials, "V.R."...as
in "V.R.Troopers", a short-lived TV show that was a knockoff
of the Power Rangers. It also had a toy line. This action figure was
a knockoff of a knockoff of the Power Rangers. All that buildup for
such a lame payoff....seems rather...cheesy.
So after all that hoo-hah, how is the figure? Well, it sucks! There's
hardly any articulation. The colors are horrid. The accessories are
so goofy that it's hard to figure out just exactly what they are. There's
one accessory that merits a blister all to itself on the card, and there's
no way at all to tell just exactly what it is or what purpose it serves.
It's too big to be a gun, since he could hardly hold it, and it looks
sort of like a Swiss Army Jaws-of-life.
Let's just assume that it's a vital piece of equipment for him to use
when ranking ventures, and leave it at that.
Unless you're building a collection of toys with outstandingly idiotic
names, you'll want to give this guy a pass.
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