Cheesy Kockoff

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"Look out Tokyo! It's Godzilla! No wait, what the heck is that thing? Never mind Tokyo."

"A stunning close up to showcase the superb craftsmanship of Goozilla!"

With this winner, found at a pharmacy in West Virginia, we proudly kick off a new series of Cheesy Knockoffs. Enjoy, and be careful you don't get any "Goo" on you.

Today's Cheesy Knockoff is a spectacularly stupid-looking abomination called "Goozilla". That's right, "Goozilla", with no "d". Evidently released to take advantage of the buzz over the less-than-blockbuster Godzilla movie from a couple of years back, this plastic afterbirth spewed onto retail shelves just last year. This is proof that sometimes, a knockoff will appear based on a toy line that didn't even do that well at retail. Maybe that's why it took so long to show up.

It is astoundingly horrid. First of all, it appears to be made of the sort of plastic that is normally used for "Soakies" shampoo and bubble bath dispensers. On further examination, it would appear to be made of a cheaper grade of that plastic. The construction is abysmal. I had to root through a whole pile before I found one that was intact. Even then, the head won't go any further down than a half-inch away from the body.

As for the figure itself, it seems that the sculptors were trying to rip off the new Godzilla design without the benefit of actually ever having seen it. What you get is a head that sort of looks like a cross between the two Godzillas, stuck precariously on a body that looks more like one of Giger's Aliens than the famed nuclear monster. The head is molded in a dark green plastic, while the rest of the body is made of a weird silver-gray material.

This thing has six points of articulation, at the neck, shoulders, hips, and tail. The head will NOT STAY ON the neck post. Amazingly enough, there is painted detail on the teeth, eyes and chest. It's probably a safe bet that this paint is not child-safe.

The real kicker with this beast is the header card. It features two crude drawings of the original Godzilla (one head shot, and one very dark action shot). It's made in China by the "Warning Choking Hazard" toy company. It's for children aged four and up, and in at least 32 states, making a gift of this toy is considered child abuse, so be careful out there.

I paid $2.99 for this exquisite example of plastic craptitiude, but there's no reason that you should do such a thing. Unless you're a die hard Godzilla completist, or just masochistic, there's no need for you to bother with Goozilla. You might think they don't come much worse than this, but just keep checking back.